Mood: Stressed.

When my mother died, the original impact was absolutely devastating. I mean, the person I loved the most in this world (my cat is feline!) ceased to exist. There were no words to describe the original impact and just how it affected me.  Now, it’s been a couple of months - the grass is getting greener, the tulips my Mom planted last year are starting to bring themselves forth towards the light and of course the bugs have also awakened. The thing is, I’m amazed at my body and the defenses it has for instances just like this one.

My body is protecting me from the immensity of this heartbreak and sorrow. On the day she died, I cried and I cried hard but after the sobbing and despair something in me blocked me from thinking about everything. Something got me through it all second by second, then minute by minute. It was me. I knew what had happened but I didn’t feel it as much as I thought I should of. There are motions to go through, the first step was not believing it was true. I don’t care if I was right next to her as she took her last breath, something in my mind told me not to deal with it right now. There were motions to go through that even I didn’t understand.

There were times when my body almost let the reality sink in during those first dark weeks. Dealing with my brother and him wanting to go against her last wishes put a tremendous amount of strain on my psyche. As I was at the funeral watching my nieces cry I was so very close to breaking down as well, but something stopped me. When I think back, it all feels like a hazey dream - well nightmare really. But my body just wouldn’t let me feel it, I’m sure some would call it “shock” but I think it was much more than that. I know she died but my body needed to protect me from feeling it. I had to conserve my energy for moving back to her empty house, of saying goodbye to my own life to live another one. I haven’t figured out what this new life will bring yet, or where it will bring me to.

Today I had to deal with gathering many different papers for my mother’s income tax. I am going through all the motions just like she was here. But she isn’t. I have to keep on reminding myself of that. She isn’t here. I walk into her room (now it’s kind of messy for which I feel guilty) and I see her robe and I touch it without knowing it. Trying to imagine her in it. Thinking to myself that she is there somehow. Lately, my brain keeps on telling me “She is dead, it’s time to move on.”  Each and everytime I say that, I shed tears. No, I don’t curl up in a ball, it’s like my body is allowing it to sink it. She died. Yes, I was there, yes it really happened. So a few tears flow each time, as if my body is testing the waters to see if I’m able to deal with it. Apparently I’m not able to, or at least to any huge degree yet.

It’s absolutely amazing that without my knowing it, my body is protecting me from all of this. It is only letting what I can take in, it is only allowing me to feel in very small bursts until one day everything will be connected.  I’ve heard about people that live through traumatic events in their lives, that when it is happening to them that they feel themselves hiding in a small corner of their mind. Now, a death is by no means rape or the bazillion of terrible things that could happen to me, but in my existance my brain sees it as such. When you’ve got only one person to love, losing that person is very traumatic.

I just hope that my body can get me through the next couple of months as many changes are in the forecast and I’m dreading most of them.

Mood: Sick.

Apparently I’m not the only one that has caught a terrible cold, it’s terrible mainly due to a deep seated cough that leads to terrible hacking fits. It started out with a headache, evolved into a sore throat then came the fever and congestion that lead to a miserable cough. With my year starting in the hospital with Mom, I will have to be dying to see medical help. So I guess I’m not dying but I am out of Nyquil (Nectar of the Gods?) and I’m hopefully on the mend. Almost two weeks of being sick really does suck.

I pretty much blamed my illness on my trip to Florida at the end of March. The purpose of the trip was to see Iron Maiden in Ft. Lauderdale but then I decided to take a couple of days and head on over to Key West. Basically because I had never been there before and I needed to go to the beach, I wasn’t sure why at the time but I do now. More on that later.

The trip getting to Key West wasn’t exactly enjoyable. In fact, I could of almost driven their quicker then flying, thanks to my first flight of the day being about 4 hours later than expected. Then I got to argue all about policies with Continental and it ended with taking a shuttle and arriving in Key West about 18 hours after I started my journey. Oh I did start writing a blog post about it. However, it got so long and when I did <More> and it didn’t work, I figured well that it might be a little long to read. If you folks (I know there are at least 5 of you who read this now) are interested, just let me know I’ll be happy to share.

I didn’t know what to expect of Key West to be honest. I knew there was a buoy that was a claim to fame as being the southernmost tip of the US or something similar. (Tip#1 If you ever go and want your photo taken with the buoy, go early in the morning. Man, there was a line up around the block in the afternoon.) I decided on Key West because I had never been there before and from the little stuff I read/heard about it. Considering the prices of hotels there I figured there had to be something to it.

I am not a sun worshipper. My skin is so pale it is purple - forget ivory. The sun and I aren’t exactly friends and everytime I see it a couple new unwanted freckles appear. After a terrible burn in Mexico lets just say the sun and I do not get along anymore. Blisters bad m’kay?

Oh yeah I’m not a sun worshipper but I felt the need to walk in the sand. (Little did I know there aren’t many places to walk in sand down there.) The was a reason for me going down there. In my heart, I thought it was going to be a cleansing time - which it was. No, I wasn’t trying to get spots I can’t reach. It was more of spiritual cleansing freeing me from the most depressing year of my life. To absorb some of the energy in the waves, the sand and the inevitable search for shells which I found out were very rare because of the surf.

After 4 hours of sleep or so, I found myself walking across the street to the beach (Yay for prime location!) and I started walking. The sun was coming up behind me and I just wanted to walk and feel the water crash on my feet and find a mini shell somewhere that survived the voyage to shore. I walked, without any real intention of going anywhere. I quickly found out that you can’t just walk by the shore around Key West, but in most places you end up walking down a sidewalk with bicycles passing you at every step. I just kept on walking, sometimes I was in a little private cove and other times I was on a long flat street and I even found myself in some kind of strange swamp place. I was tired and adventurous and I wanted to take in as much of Key West as I could in the little time I had.

3 hours later at about 10:30am or so I found myself on the main strip which is Duval street. I thought it was peculiar that when I did map searches before the trip it seemed way to far to walk, but I made it there strangely enough. By this time, I was getting hungry. Yeah, forgot to have breakfast of course. So I kept on walking to see what there was open and so forth. Eventually I stumbled on Margaritaville the place of Parrotheads, the Jimmy Buffet bar. I tell you if I worked there I would get so sick of that song. Anyways, without wanting to be a tourist my stomach said “Screw you, we are eating now.”

Little did my stomach know that at 10:30am drinks were already being served and the bar was full? Next thing I knew I was drinking a havana banana and loving every minute of it. I was also calling some of my former coworkers to tell them where I was and they had to work. I couldn’t resist! After some nummy overpriced food I decided it was time to head back as walking in the sun + drinking at 10:30am + 3 hours sleep is a bad combination.

I bought myself a terrible looking $10 hat and off I went in the same way I came by. I changed it up a bit here and there but by now the sun was hot and it was humid and OMG I was tired. With less shell sneaking, I found myself back at the hotel by 2pm or so ready for a shower and a nap. Then, it was back downtown by shuttle at 4:30pm to get there before the big sunset crowd.

The sunset party happens everyday in Key West unless it rains. Odd performers of all sorts head down to Mallory Square and perform for coins. Then there is a whole crew of merchants selling stuff like your name printed on a shell (Umm no shells to be found, they were imported!) and the typical overpriced handmade jewelry dealies. Perfect for tourists who want to burn a hole in their credit cards. I didn’t particularly WANT to go to the sunset festival, but something drew me to it. Something I didn’t know about really.

This is where it turns a bit sad, so close your eyes or head to the next paragraph if you can’t stand the tears. So, a huge gang of people were all on the docks waiting for the sun to set. It was pretty surreal actually. I mean the sun sets everyday right? What’s so special about it there? I secure myself a spot on the wharf or whatever it is, uncomfortable close to a bunch of tourists that all have much better cameras then I do and we start watching the sun go down. Prettttttty I thought to myself. Then as the sun hit the water’s edge on the horizon, the sunset hit me hard. It was like I was saying goodbye to my mother and I think she said goodbye to me as well. Corny? Maybe. But I’ve never been affected by a sunrise or sunset like that before. I was standing there crying without realizing it until the sun finished it’s descent and I felt the wetness on my face.  I have to say that I’ve been in a different kind of mourning since I’ve returned home. A realization and a profound sadness of the finality of that damned sunset. My Mom needed to tell me something, and she did.

The rest of the 24 hours I was there was pretty normal except for one other thing. (The plane being delayed is normal for me!)

I was hanging out at my hotel waiting on the time to go to the airport (I could of walked there, but chose not to) and I was talking to a really nice lady who was working at the gift shop. She told me that they have fresh cookies and Limeade that will be coming out soon and I should stick around for it. I’m all for good cookies and man they were gooood. So was the Limeade. Deliciousio! Anyways, I had maybe 15 minutes before my scheduled departure for the airport so I went to thank the gift shop lady for the suggestion as I was licking the gooey chocolate off my fingers…

There was a couple there who were arranging a shuttle with her ahead of me. So I patiently waited my turn and was kind of on a sugar high so that was really hard to do! They were talking about how they missed the sunset the previous evening and how the sunrise that morning was spectacular. So of course I had to chime in. “I’m sorry you missed the sunset last night, it was really beautiful but the sunrise this morning was gorgeous too!”

The guy smiled and responded: “Oh I saw you on the beach this morning, you are in some of our most beautiful shots.”

I was kind of embarassed and humbled: “Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your photos of the sunrise.”

The lady he was with touched my arm and said, “I saw the photos and you’ve got such a wonderful energy about you that you made them 1000 times better. Thank you so much!”

Now, normally I would call BS, but this lady was absolutely sincere.

After a couple of decades of life I have now figured out why I get stared at all the time, it’s not because I’m fat or stunningly gorgeous like I always suspected, it’s the energy about me.

I knew I had to take that trip.

Oh yeah, Iron Maiden was awesome as always, more on that soon!