Saying Goodbye to my Dearest Friend
Jul 11th, 2013 by Sashira
I know I haven’t posted and I’m pretty sure anyone that still reads this is probably long gone. So maybe it’s better with a post such as this.
To say 2013 has sucked, would be putting it lightly. Lost my job because they wanted someone onsite and I live 3,000 miles away. I couldn’t take a great job in Berlin, Germany because my property manager wouldn’t cut me a break and I would be stuck with my lease for a full year. Sure, it’s only July and there were a few highlights, which involved rock stars and travel – but most of all the suckage has come from my cat being in a bad situation.
Time to back track a little bit I guess. I’ll call her the Mistress for this posting, because for the almost 15 years that I’ve had her, she has been the absolute center of my heart and soul, she controls me and I would walk through fire for her. I know this will sound cliche, but she is not a regular cat. She is a mean, anti-social kitty with a big heart and has been my dearest friend for close to 15 years.
But she isn’t going to make it to 15 years old.
I write this on possibly the last night of her life. A life that I have to decide to end, because she is too much of a fighter to quit. The signs are starting to show now and while I can’t possibly think it will be tomorrow – it just might be tomorrow. It’s been a long 6 months and I have not cried so much since my mother passed away – and that was a lot of freaking crying.
I love this cat more than anything in my life, so letting her go is the absolutely most horrible thing I could think of and I always just lived in a dream world and expected it to be “cut and dry.” She’s suffering, she needs her peace, end of story. I thought I was strong enough, but it’s been 6 months of kitty misery and I haven’t managed to cut that cord so to speak. I know in my brain it’s the right thing to do, but in my heart I just can’t let go and then I get angry for being such a selfish bitch.
Last November the Mistress hurt herself somehow, no idea how because she was too fat to jump anywhere and she never went up and down stairs. She had what I assume arthritis in her back legs, but at the time she had just turned 14, that’s good enough reason to have arthritis. But something happened, that I’ll never know and she hurt herself and her back. Not sure if it was a muscle, or a fracture or anything. I brought her to one vet that saw a blurry x-ray of her and condemned her to 3 months to live because she was absolutely certain it was bone cancer. I brought her to a specialist who examined her and looked at the same x-ray and said there is no way in hell it’s cancer and they could do a catscan (yeah I found that funny at the time) to find out, which would cost over $2000. I brought her home to mull this over and give her a chance to respond to new pain meds – they helped. Then I decided to try to bring her to an acupuncturist for animals and before I knew it she was well on her way to recovering. She wasn’t in pain anymore and I was the most relieved pet owner you’ve ever seen. Happy to see her move without discomfort and be herself again.
Then in January 2013 the agony began. She had a terrible bout of constipation and she just couldn’t go. So I brought her back to the same acupuncturist for treatment – she was also a regular vet, so she went in (literally) and cleaned flushed the blockage out – much to the kitty’s unhappiness. She was fine after that for about a week, I changed her food to mostly wet. Then I noticed the most horrible thing in the dead of winter. She had fleas! What the hell? In the dead of winter in Canada? Yeah, I learned all about that. So I must of been the host, or the 2 foster kittens I had for a week were the hosts, either way I was invaded by those nasty things and it was now time to wage war.
I called 3 vets and the acupuncturist as to what is the best treatment for fleas. They all said “Advantage.” So I figured with everyone saying it’s the best thing, I felt confident that it was the choice to use. I went out on that fateful day to a random vet office that was open on a Saturday and got the little vials of doom. Apply the one vial exactly as the instructions said and was happy to have the war begin. About 10 hours later, my precious cat was on the floor on her back unable to move her back legs and trying to drag herself to the litter box. I called the emergency vets in the area (it’s limited since it’s not a huge metropolis) to get help, since it was a Saturday night and it’s on a call basis, not a just bring them in. The 2 different vets I talked to, didn’t seem to have any interest in bothering with the situation. They said “Oh no, we’ve never heard of this, just watch her overnight and see what happens.”
You fuckers (Vets that don’t care).
So I spent the night watching the Mistress, she didn’t get any better of course and the next afternoon I brought her into another random vet that was actually open on a Sunday. She had the worst case of diarrhea I have ever seen in a cat. I mean it was just explosive and impossible to clean her up. I see the vet, who is shocked and doesn’t believe that it was the Advantage. She said she would phone the company to see if they wanted to investigate it further. My cat made a total mess all over the vet’s office trying to get away from her on the floor. But the Vet didn’t even help me try to clean her up! She just sent me home to “watch her” and see if she gets any better. I know my cat has a temper of 12 on a scale of 1 to 10, but really? My blood boils just thinking about it.
She didn’t get better of course, she just seemed to get worse. And the diarrhea wouldn’t stop, so I brought her to the acupuncturist who told me to get some Slippery Elm to help with that and at least that worked. But the damage was done and since she couldn’t clean herself or wouldn’t let me clean her up properly (and it was a mess poor dear) a bladder infection happened – of course on the weekend yet again and this time the vets basically knew what it was so they told me to wait until the next morning to bring her in for antibiotics. Lazy damn vets. Sorry to disturb you with my cat problems, why do you have an Emergency number anyways?
So I brought her in (to a different vet) and they gave her some antibiotics and took an x-ray. This time it was clearer, but they couldn’t be absolutely sure but it looked like she had a “diseased” area of her spine or it could of been a fracture. Whatever it was it was bad news. I went home very unhappy but willing to do what I could for her. I considered bringing her in for the “catscan” but I knew that if it really was bad news, I wasn’t prepared to give her up so easily. During this time, I did make an appointment to euthanize but I couldn’t bring her in. I just couldn’t. I still can’t I guess.
After about another 2 weeks, when the antibiotics wore off she was suddenly in a lot of pain and constipated again. I thought she was doing better, then BOOM crit shot to the heart again. This time it was an older lady vet that took care of her and it was the first time they wanted to treat her without me being present and they told me to go home and pick her up later. Ugh, that hurt A LOT. So they sedated her pretty good (but not completely) cleaned her out and then they shaved a huge patch off on her shoulder for a fentanyl patch for pain – I didn’t give them permission to do that. Not only was it morphine based BUT it was also dangerous if she licked it. They even put a paralyzed cat in a cone of shame. Yeah way to make her completely paralyzed folks. After another sleepless night making sure she wouldn’t lick it off and she tried many times – I took the stupid thing off. It made us both miserable. The glue used on her skin was terrible and wouldn’t come off. Just recent (after 5 months) did the spots of glue finally come off. How horrible.
The hospital also had an acupuncturist there and she seemed a bit more into the whole Chinese herb thing too so I figured to give it a go. I really liked that Vet because she really seemed to care and know what to proceed. So we started treatments with acupuncture again along with different types of medicine to help clear her of the bad stuff. The problem was, none of it worked. If I could get her to take the pills/powders/liquid it would have an adverse reaction with her personality – she would more than just a mean kitty – but a super mean kitty ready to go for your throat if she could. So we stopped that and continued with the acupuncture. We thought it was working, but it didn’t really in the end I guess.
Fast forward to today almost 6 months to the day everything started to go wrong this year. The kitty can’t walk or use the litterbox. She can’t clean her rear area. She has a sore on one of her hind legs that is more like an ulcer or bed sore that heals over itself but never quite heals. Her legs twitch and move more than they ever did but she has lost about half of her body weight. She usually has a great appetite, except for the last couple of days. She snubs her usual stinky food she loves so much and eats just the finicky expensive stuff. About 2 weeks ago I had to bring her in for another antibiotic shot for her leg (she had gone 2 months without a vet visit yay!) and we started on some anti-inflammatory pain medicine as well. Which at first seemed to help her a lot, but now not so much. She seems weaker day by day and just more miserable.
Please random internet person who reads this – don’t think I have not treated her well, I have refused to get a job outside the house so I can be here for her when she needs me. I clean her up the best I can and when she lets me. She still has very good teeth and sharp claws. It’s not easy but I do my best. She had a voracious appetite and was always present for me, she couldn’t walk, but she was still there. I won’t give up on her just because she can’t walk. I love her too much.
Now after all this time, I feel that she is slipping away. I thought it was the terrible heat & humidity we’ve had or maybe it’s the pain meds that have changed her personality – but I think she is trying to distance herself from me because it’s going to be time. Time for THAT. Euthanize.
Please understand I have not picked up my cat for 6 months for fear of hurting her. I have a system for cleaning her up, complete with layers of things to keep her dry such as puppy training pads and many towels ready to go at anytime. I give her treats (much more the last few days) because she still gobbles them up like candy. Eat my dear, enjoy what you can while you can. 🙁
Now the hard part is for me to let go. I have to do what is best for her. I have to make that decision and stick to it. I have to kill the best thing in my life (yeah go on laugh at me if you will, my cat is my family) for her own good. I have to look in those eyes a last time and tell her goodbye. What if she doesn’t want to? What if there is still hope? What the hell am I going to do without her? I keep on thinking to myself – oh there are other cats who need a good home and I certainly can give them that. But my cat and I have that bond, I never really believed in a “familiar” but I do now. We are connected in so many ways and I rely on her. I talk to her, I look forward to hearing or feeling her purr. She has been with me for almost 15 years and has always been there for me (whether she wanted to or not I suppose). Now I have to sign a paper to shut those gorgeous green eyes forever and go home without her. How do I do that? How the hell do I do that? Yes it’s right for her, yes I’ve been waiting for her to tell me it’s time. I think she is telling me it’s time.
But I don’t want to let her go. I feel like a selfish jerkface but I don’t care. I want her here with me. I want her to be healthy and to be with me, eating from my hand, sharing a piece of salmon or telling her about my day. I want to pet her, scratch her ears and under her chin.
Yeah I want, I want, I want. I also think she wants it too and that’s why she has fought for so long. I don’t think most cats would to be honest. Half paralyzed, in pain and a crazy owner like me. But she has not given up. Not yet, but I feel her slipping. She is slipping and the decision needs to be made.
May the Gods and Goddesses help me to see this through. Maybe tomorrow. 🙁