Mood: 
Stressed.
When my mother died, the original impact was absolutely devastating. I mean, the person I loved the most in this world (my cat is feline!) ceased to exist. There were no words to describe the original impact and just how it affected me. Now, it’s been a couple of months - the grass is getting greener, the tulips my Mom planted last year are starting to bring themselves forth towards the light and of course the bugs have also awakened. The thing is, I’m amazed at my body and the defenses it has for instances just like this one.
My body is protecting me from the immensity of this heartbreak and sorrow. On the day she died, I cried and I cried hard but after the sobbing and despair something in me blocked me from thinking about everything. Something got me through it all second by second, then minute by minute. It was me. I knew what had happened but I didn’t feel it as much as I thought I should of. There are motions to go through, the first step was not believing it was true. I don’t care if I was right next to her as she took her last breath, something in my mind told me not to deal with it right now. There were motions to go through that even I didn’t understand.
There were times when my body almost let the reality sink in during those first dark weeks. Dealing with my brother and him wanting to go against her last wishes put a tremendous amount of strain on my psyche. As I was at the funeral watching my nieces cry I was so very close to breaking down as well, but something stopped me. When I think back, it all feels like a hazey dream - well nightmare really. But my body just wouldn’t let me feel it, I’m sure some would call it “shock” but I think it was much more than that. I know she died but my body needed to protect me from feeling it. I had to conserve my energy for moving back to her empty house, of saying goodbye to my own life to live another one. I haven’t figured out what this new life will bring yet, or where it will bring me to.
Today I had to deal with gathering many different papers for my mother’s income tax. I am going through all the motions just like she was here. But she isn’t. I have to keep on reminding myself of that. She isn’t here. I walk into her room (now it’s kind of messy for which I feel guilty) and I see her robe and I touch it without knowing it. Trying to imagine her in it. Thinking to myself that she is there somehow. Lately, my brain keeps on telling me “She is dead, it’s time to move on.” Each and everytime I say that, I shed tears. No, I don’t curl up in a ball, it’s like my body is allowing it to sink it. She died. Yes, I was there, yes it really happened. So a few tears flow each time, as if my body is testing the waters to see if I’m able to deal with it. Apparently I’m not able to, or at least to any huge degree yet.
It’s absolutely amazing that without my knowing it, my body is protecting me from all of this. It is only letting what I can take in, it is only allowing me to feel in very small bursts until one day everything will be connected. I’ve heard about people that live through traumatic events in their lives, that when it is happening to them that they feel themselves hiding in a small corner of their mind. Now, a death is by no means rape or the bazillion of terrible things that could happen to me, but in my existance my brain sees it as such. When you’ve got only one person to love, losing that person is very traumatic.
I just hope that my body can get me through the next couple of months as many changes are in the forecast and I’m dreading most of them.
