Apparently my website was down for awhile without me knowning it, then when I got everything working again there were posts missing. Those posts, are now lost in cyberspace somewhere. My apologies.

I write today after an amazing trip to France (yes, in Europe) and I don’t know what kind of cooties entered my system but alas they did and while I’m still smiling from the trip, my body disagrees with moving unless it’s to the porcelain bowl. TMI? Meh, if you’ve ever been sick before, that is hardly TMI. If even the concept of running to the bathroom for business bothers you, this is probably not the blog for you.

Updates, updates. Well by choice (I made the decisions) I am currently unemployed. It was either that or I would of been in the hospital and collapsed within days. While I would love to go into specific details and maybe one day I might, lets just say that my new Manager and I did not see eye to eye on pretty much everything. While I wish I was still employed, my health became a priority and I had to let go. For those of you who know me, you’ll know that is not in my general way of doing things. I’m usually like a chihuahua that grabs onto an ankle and will not let go. But all things said and done, I made the right decision for my body and peace of mind.

It took me months to recover, I could not stop sleeping and then I decided to move back to Canada to enjoy some cold weather again. Which is fast on it’s way yay! I’ve been doing some freelance jobs on my own terms and will continue to watch for that job that I really want and get it. Yeah, see I’m back.

All is good otherwise, kitty cat is getting older and having trouble with her hind legs, but she is as vicious as ever and I love her dearly.

I just got back from a trip to France. Surprisingly enough I had never really planned on going to France, I had so many stereotypes in my head about how the people would be I never really had any interest. But in celebration of a 20th anniversary of a trip to Germany my friend and I won to meet the Scorpions and this being their last tour it seemed perfect. The trip was very nice as a whole. But I’ll have to break it down into parts.

I prefer to travel solo now – While it’s nice to have someone to travel with especially so far away, I realized that it’s really hard to travel with someone else. I won’t put all the blame on my travel companion, but there were a couple of times that I was really fed up.

France surprised me – The people were fantastic, though quick to point out as soon as I opened my mouth that I have the Canadian accent. But it wasn’t with malice or arrogance, it was more of a polite inquiry which I loved. I would love to return again given the opportunity.

We went to two Scorpions concerts. One was a bit more disorganized and it while the guys are always nice to meet it left us wanting more. The second show – we got more. Lots more (no not what you are thinking) – it felt like we made a connection with them, especially the drummer which surprised me greatly. I thought the days of a “star” asking you what your name was and remembering (yeah I’ve been in contact with him since then) were over. The second concert was AMAZING as we had so much interaction with the group on stage and feeling special is always a nice thing. The Scorpions are and always will be a class act, 20 years ago or last week. I’m still smiling about the show and it washed any other issues I might of had away for the most part.

Except the fevers and stuff. Bleh.

I really have been wanting to blog more and I am going to do my best to do so. I’m sure for the most part no one checks in on me, but in case you’re wondering. I’m alive and on an unknown path that will lead me to greatness!

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for the two folks who read it before they kill me. Funny how that sounds but I guess there are two people who do check in on my from time to time.

In the past 6 weeks…

My mother died.
My apartment flooded.
I got laid off.
I moved back to my mother’s house.

I dunno about the both of you who read this blog, but holy crap when someone asks me how I’m doing, I’m pretty fucking speechless. How am I doing? Hell if I know.

On a good day, I’ll say I’m doing okay – that’s about as good as it gets.
On a not so good day, my response will be “meh” – which is pretty much a word that means crappy and I don’t want to talk about it.
On a bad day, I won’t respond – that’s right I’ll have nothing to say.

I’ve been on the biggest emotional rollercoaster ride ever and it sucks, yes it sucks hard.

Starting tomorrow it’s the beginning of the big ole “Clean my Mom’s house” event. I need to sort through all of my own things stored here as well as all of her things (I’m not quite ready for that part yet though). I expect to do things right, this will take me quite awhile between the occasional breakdowns and shovelling the driveway. I’m ever the optimist eh?

I don’t know how I’m doing, the world is suddenly the most open it’s ever been to me. Once things are settled with her estate, I will have no attachments to anyone (except my cat that is – of course). Conceiveably I could go anywhere – if I knew where to go that is. Of course finances are questionable without work, but even though I was underpaid and underappreciated I managed to save a bit.  Okay not enough to move to Australia or something, but lets say I could move anywhere on the North American continent easily enough.

While I don’t know what I want to do – I do know what I need to be doing. I need to pack and clean this house to sell at a later time. I need to sign papers to get everything settled for my mother’s estate. I also need to update my resume to find work once again.

About the only saving grace right now is the fact I’m going to Florida at the beginning of April to see Iron Maiden’s last concert on their long ass tour. So I’m going to take a couple of extra days, find me a nice hotel and plant my fat behind on the beach and maybe find what I need to. Besides shells that is.

I’m not good and someone I talked to recently asked me if I was having a “pity party.” That caught me off guard. Am I supposed to pick up where my life ended 6 weeks ago and not feel the pain? Am I supposed to smile at people who ask how I’m doing for their benefit? What about mine?

I’m going through the motions of my life, my goals are to get things done so then I can deal with going on and maybe feel less sad. Many people have said that when one door closes another one opens. I haven’t seen any doors opening yet, but there is a great empty space that was once my life that isn’t there any longer – maybe it’s that.

So if you ask me how I’m doing – no I’m not having a pity party. I am dealing with a crazy amount of grief for the loss of my mother and the loss of my life as I knew it. If you don’t understand how overwhelming this is for me – then for Christ’s sake don’t ask me how I’m doing if you don’t want to know the truth.